Nerves
That should tell you it all.
I'm not a nervous person, but I have a few doubts and worries as the date draws closer.
I don't have my visa in hand yet, which makes my nerves tingle and want to scream a little because that's the one thing I need to make all of this official. It truly is the last step to sealing this deal in a pretty wrapper.
It's nerve wracking, not having that last step. Apart from that I only have a few other worries.
I have always been the new kid in school. I've switched schools, what.... eight times in the ten years my parents have been married. I'm just fine with being the new kid, because the worries that come with it are always the same.
Who will I sit with? What will the teachers and students be like? What is the homework like? Where do I belong in the clichés? What do people wear? What is cute? How will I fit in? Will I be accepted? What happens if I don't? Now take all those worries and but them in the context where you don't have a basic grasp on the language. You don't everything these people will say, they will probably talk fast and use words you have never heard or read in your text books.
That's only phase one of nerves. Phase two is something along the lines of....
Do I speak like they do? (In America, slang changes everywhere you go. I didn't know what mudding was until I came to Detroit Lakes) Am I saying the right things to fit in? Am I acting too smart (I suffer from this one.... I don't have a dictionary filter at school, I was called Webster for a reason).
The third phase deals with family.
It is acceptable to sleep at this time? To wake up? What are my chores? Will I help cooking? Will I help with children? What is the Mom like, the Dad like? What will my siblings be like, will they like me, and will I get along with them? Will my room be mine, or will I share? Is it okay with them if I want to be alone for a moment? Will they understand me?
So getting over the language, over the school life, and over the new take on family life, nerves are abound.
But as I said before, I've been the new kid. I make friends pretty easily, a smile and a "Hello, my name is Gabi, what's yours?" can help you get by much better than being quiet and not talking to anyone. In Japanese that's "Kon'nichiwa watashi no namae wa gabi desu, anata wa nan desu ka?" It's a nice mouth full, that's for sure.
In the many phases of being a new kid, the first one is the hardest. You are an outsider. Not just in language. You don't know these people. You didn't grow up with them, you don't know their city like they do, and you don't know who is the who's-who yet.
That's the one I've always struggled with, but you can only worry about it until you get these I guess. I can't change if from here, so I just have to wait.
And waiting brings on more nerves!
I have a gut feeling that I'll be okay, I am most certain I will be okay. That doesn't stop the worrying. I'm not worried I'll do bad, or that I will screw up royally. It's more like I worry about how I will fit in. Who I will be.
I have a strong grip on who I am here in America. I even like who I am here. I have nice friends, my schooling wasn't too much of a pain and I feel a bit smarter because of the past eleven years, I know who I am in my family, and now that I've finally settled into my own skin comfortably, I'm leaving.
In my seventeen years of existence, never have I been more at home in my own skin and flesh. I like who I am, I like how I look, I like how I dress, and I just like myself. I have some self confidence for once. Now that I have that, I'm giving it up.
Well not giving it up, but changing it.
In America I know who I am, but I wonder how Japan will form me.
I don't worry that it will be bad, I'm not really nervous about it. I'm more curious than anything else.
Everyone who has come back, Rebound and Rotex, has told stories of how their views changed. Almost always it was for the better. Food boundaries are pushed and pulled, personal boundaries are shoved aside, and your cultural views are shattered.
I think it's okay for me to say that I'm excited to feel this. I like pushing my own boundaries, seeing how far I could put myself. Well I wasn't always like this, I changed after my first journey to Japan. I'm not nervous, more excited in a jittery way.
I'm not nervous about the food like I know some others are. I personally like fish, raw and cooked, I like rice, I like miso, I LOVE green tea of all kinds. I don't like spicy food, but almost every Japanese dish (True Japanese, not Americanized stuff we get in American stores) I've ever had were bitter, sour, bland, or sweet. It fits my Swedish, German, and Norwegian roots just fine! I'm a bit of a skeptic to the horror stories I've heard, of still breathing fish or watching your food die in front of you to be served at the peak of freshness. I can only wonder if those stories will happen to me too.
Every now and them I am struck with the doubt that I will be okay. I counter that with a few strong choice words in my mind, giving myself a pep talk. It wouldn't be the right choice if I weren't looking at this from every angle. I tell myself that and then I'm okay again.
I'm excited, honest. I'm filled to the seams with excitement and thankfulness that I am going on this trip. But I am also a human, so I think and overthink a situation countless times before I feel like I truly will be okay. Horror stories don't help, but they don't really hurt either. They just tell me that nothing everything is going to be perfect. Not everything will go to plan, so all you have to do is keep on your toes and think about what it is that you are doing and why you are doing it. There is really nothing much else I can do for myself in that sense.
I'm honestly not nervous about leaving my family. I know they love me. I know they understand that contact with them is the worst thing possible on this exchange. They know it and I know it. They love me enough to let me do this, so I know when I come back it will all be okay. I'm a little nervous about leaving my younger siblings though.
They are little. One is in preschool this year (We will call her No Nap), the other just starting Kindergarten (He will be called Little Man), and my oldest little sister will be starting fourth grade (She is dubbed Angel Lips). They are all pretty little. At least to me they are.
I'm nervous about how they will change, I won't be there to watch them grow up like I have for the past years. In their living memory, never have I been away for more then ten days. Never have I been so far away. Only once, for ten days was I truly away. They were all so little then that when people asked them where I was, they could say I was sleeping or at school. (Tells you a lot huh?) This will be the farthest I have ever been away from them.
Sure we have internet, the always faithful Skype and FaceBook, but what does that count for? Sure face to face is nice, but I can't hug them, or mess up their hair through a screen. I can tell them I miss them, that I love them, but there is no physical contact.
They will surely grow up when I'm not there, and I'm nervous that I won't know them anymore when I get back. I can only keep contact with them, but even that' a bad thing to do because then I am not assimilating into my host culture fully. So I worry.
My mom and dad will be okay. I know they are adults and can handle themselves. I know work around the house will get to be a bit harder, but it will be okay. I will miss them and they will miss me, and I worry but it's pointless because my family is strong and this will all be okay.
So I worry about pointless things, things that make sense, and things that I've done before in a different context. There's not much I can do to sooth my nervous worrying.
I tick off days on my calendar, work at my job for as long as I can, play with my animals, mess around with my siblings, and pack before I unpack and then repack again. As it draws closer, my worries, nerves, and doubts get a bit bigger, and I feel like they will until I plant my feet firmly on Japanese ground.
See You Soon
Mata chikaiuchini
また近いうちに
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